It’s all so surreal

The walls around me blur,

the sky is falling down,

I am standing all still

in the middle of an ocean

so big, brimming with emotions.

Fearing it may flood too soon

destroying the land of my familiar

I shake myself to reason

Alas! A shackle on my feet

binds me to the ocean.

‘But I am not meant for you’, I say

‘Let me free’

Only to find silence in return

hasn’t it always been the answer,

I wonder and knock myself down

trapped in ‘to be, to not be’

Tears filled with fear and anxiety

floods are inevitable

Drowning in the bitter-sweet water

neither dead nor alive

A soulless body, lost yet bound

A Matsya mocks me

swimming, flying and diving

Suddenly it comes near me,

petrified I try to paddle,

horrified I close my eyes,

knowing the fate awaiting me

I ask for forgiveness,

I repent for my ignorance

I pray for protection

The Matsya laughs,

coming closer

It nibbles the shackle

but I am released

From the land,

the ocean and the sky

For I see now,

what I knew but never saw

The land is me, so is the ocean

And so is the fall.

I am flooding, I am falling, I bind myself

And faster than this thought itself

Only I remain.

It was I.

It will always be I.

Only I remains.

Everything else is Maya.

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Empa-venge

I wish I could hurt people the way they hurt me

I wish I could borrow some words of vengeance

I wish I could make them feel the way they make me feel

I wish I could make their life terrible like they do for me

I wish I could tell them boldly that Karma will come back

I wish I could be less soft hearted

I wish I could be a little less strong

But none of this is lies in my capacity or my innate nature

Because this is not who I want to become

Because I believe in kindness, compassion and forgiveness

I wish I could prove them wrong

I wish I could show them the path of non-violence

It makes me so sad the way they are killing themselves every moment

They manifest their deepest sorrows by afflicting pain onto others

I wish I wish For a second I could touch their life with pure happiness

May then they would realise how bad they have been living their lives

How sad they have been for a very long time

How they are this ticking time bomb

I wish I could make their lives better

I wouldn’t then need to worry about mine

Friend-Ship

I came to this place four years back where many young men and women dream to be at. And believe me this is a beautiful place, a cradle for learning by making mistakes and creating wonderful relationships with extraordinary people. This is also the place where you will commit horrible mistakes and meet horrible people. But that’s the best thing about this place. It protects you within it’s green boundaries and will embrace you in health and sickness.

This place mirrors the world but only to prepare you to step out to make your dreams true. This place taught me a lot of things I would like to share. I will go in chronological order.

In my fresher year, I was a nerd only that I was not the brightest or the brighter one. I was also not the social animal and spent most of my time with myself and few old close friends. I was happy in my solitude until I started thinking or maybe over-thinking. I started questioning my capabilities and could feel a friction between what the culture dictated. My self esteem started to shake and every day I felt more out of place than ever.

In this phase of self doubt and weirdness, I had the company of a friend who was far too mature and immature for her age. We happily accepted our weirdness with this place and started to explore meaning in what looked like a mechanical and individualistic culture.

Like most times in life, change sweeps you off your feet and takes you to an island you could never have imagined  to have existed. Friend-ships get wrecked out of no reason, or maybe for or with some reason and this is lesson number one.

For any relationship of any colour and kind in this world to survive, you must confide in honesty, trust, transparency, genuine communication and above all hope. Most friendships don’t begin with these values but the ones that grow are the ones that let these values seep into the relationship over time. Friend-ship moves from I-go to We-go. I wish I knew this before, I wouldn’t have lost some great friends. I wish I knew this, I would have been smarter in making choices for my friendship than giving up on making any choice.

But this lesson is worth that loss and pain. It shows me the way when I am out of this place, when life will be much busier for friends and pressure will be too high to make more mistakes.

Other lessons in the coming post….

 

Brittle

Glass is brittle, life too is

A glass breaks but life takes the knocks

Life only grows with time, it ages

Becomes huge in form and shape

Inside it stays a soft warm entity

An entity small, yet fierce

In happiness, it gives

In sadness, it takes

It’s the knocks on life that shapes it

Moulded to be malleable

Moulded to be brittle

What is malleable inside even in brittle bones

Stays still, enduring waves a mountain high

But a brittle that breaks from inside

Is beyond repair

Unless it finds a pair, equally in despair

Pieces that fits into each other

Mending and bending

Like a brook finds it way

Cutting through the rocks

Life finds a way cutting through the knocks

Choices

I have had worried too much about choices. The big ‘what if?’ question has followed me all the time and still does. As humans, we have become so much obsessed with making choices that we actually forget what we really want. Take for example, if I want to watch a new movie. First I will try to find the right genre, the right ratings, the right cinematography, the right story and the criteria for what’s the best never ends. I would have watched a movie by the time I have chosen one.

One behaves similarly in some or other aspects of life ranging from the right university, the right choice of majors, the right apartment, the right food(I can’t be wrong on this!) and what not. Surely a lot of times thus goes into making choices.

But what is it with this obsession?

In engineering this is a typical problem of optimization, you have got resources, you have got constraints and now you have to get the best possible ‘solutions’. The difference being that it is something to do it on a computer, and something else to do in your brain, all the time. A computational machine gives you certain number of optimal results and there you are done, you can’t go any further but when you DIY, you don’t want to stop until you bang on to the one best solution.

And that’s what this obsession is about. To get it right, to get the best, every time and just the one.

Now let me take a step back and ask you, how crucial is it to make these choices all the time?

Yes, some decisions are crucial and you have to make a conscious real choice but neither you have the option of one best choice all the time nor you have to choose between the cliff and the well all the time.

Even if one makes bad choices, it’s okay. We are humans after all. And once the road not taken is to be walked upon, pull up your sleeve and say to yourself, “This too shall pass”. And if you are really optimistic, use it as an opportunity to grow, learn and become wise.

As for the other cases are concerned, I would say life is mix of all colours, it’s just another joy to mess up and laugh on yourself for being stupid.

Sunshine

When it feels like your world is falling apart

When dreams crash and your heart breaks

When there is nothing to look out for

When there is nothing to find yourself into

Do you remember those faces with smiles?

Do you remember those eyes that glisten with faith?

Do you remember those hearts that beat for you?

 Then remember those for whom your heart beats?

Remember them with all your heart and all your soul

Live with them in this ‘present’ of life!

Do you still see your self falling apart?

Don’t you see the sun shining right through your heart!

Don’t you see the sun shining right out of you soul!

 

Shallow

The words of yours are so deep

They cut through my train of thoughts

They make me look back and front at the same time

It’s so confusing how should I feel about you

You are such a hypocrite, and yet I am drawn to you

Such a pity, I find myself at the same place

No matter where I begin, no matter how many times

You let me drown, you let me beg to change myself

And I watch myself in an ocean of guilt

But will you see, ever would you

The wrongs your words do, the scars your impulses leave

Why do you mind so much to just be a little humane?

You see, I think like I am an animal in your civilization

But that’s only your reflection in my eyes

It’s not me, you see

And I want to chose to look away

I rather be alone but myself

Alone but not somebody I used to know

Its time I get some air to breathe

 

 

 

Spark

Very few people who know me, know that I wanted to be an astronaut when I was 10 years old. I had spent my childhood watching Discovery channel and National Geographic channel while other children of my age group were busy with cartoons. My favorite shows included ones hosted by physicist Michio Kaku explaining about space-time wrapping and Morgan Freeman taking about wormholes. And this was when I was just 12 years old. I was extremely fascinated by astronomy and found the skies and stars much more interesting that my science text books. Sometimes I would spend my summer nights lying on the cot and watching the stars figuring out all the constellations I could see and if I were lucky, I would spot a meteor or a comet. The sky was worth gazing a decade back. When I was 14, my father bought me a wonderful star dial. It could help you identify stars, constellations, planets etc with the help of coordinates and time of night, month and year. It could help you track planets and comets almost daily, but I could only partially learn how to use it. Around the same time I also issued a book from my school library(which was very surprising as my school had all except relevant books) which had compilation of all historical data about science known to man. It was no ordinary book, it had the tiniest details including dates of birth of scientist who made littlest contribution to science.

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I read The brief history of time by Hawking when was 15, my classmates and teachers made fun of me and sometimes even discouraged me from venturing into the knowledge that was supposedly not meant for a school kid. But I continued and thanks to my parents, they never stopped me from going beyond the subject and always kept the fire of curiosity alive in me. But suddenly things changed. My bond with astronomy and theoretical physics snapped. I had to study for JEE. I had to get into a good college and for that I needed to invest myself to bombard myself with information at a rate which I couldn’t process so that I can compete with those brighter than me. Obviously, I broke down in the middle. Not that I didn’t enjoy what I was being taught but neither did I loved it much. But there is not much to blame on anyone, it’s just that way Indian education system has been. The spirit of inquiry and curiosity is crushed by money-making coaching centers who are obsessed with results in the name of greater good by pushing rot knowledge down the throats of students. They make problem solving animals out of students, I must say!

By the time I got into college, I had already given up on my interest subjects. Studying pure sciences in India was not economically feasible and I had not written SAT(nor was I mature enough to be on my own at 17)! In the top-tier college, I tried to find interest and meaning in Chemical Engineering which I did but always something was missing. Something that has gone away with time and can’t be changed. I know, what has happened has been the best but I wish I had a chance to make it better. I wish I had kept that spark alive!

Seems like space and time did wrap this moment of realization. I hope I find a way to pull out of the horizon or maybe get inside in one piece without being stretched like a spaghetti if for the better.

Shouting out loud

I bring a silent letter in noisy world before it gets lost and blurred.

There are a thousand friends who folk in herds insulting and embracing with mocking words

They walk in unison and their song is heard, proclaiming that they are masters of the world

Because they are together, always its nice, not in minds, not hearts but only in choice

The choice to cut their lives with a spade of fat balances, titles, awards and accolades

Success painted with shame, selling themselves for anything but a game

The game of space and making more, for cholesterol, locker, wardrobes and much more

No free lunches, they say, how can you be so naive?

The game is a resultant of the mean of magnitude of space, time, mass and energy, if you know what I mean

They are making true E=mc square, Einstein must be saying, “How do you dare?”

“As if one bomb was not enough to be tamed, component material and energy balance should be maintained”

Their noise has baked my ears, the noise of advertisements selling fear in the name of Clinic All Clear!

The noise of information that haunts me in day-mares, if redundancy is what you want to know, analyse various Facebook shares

The noise that disturbs me the most is the noise of the wallflower in the herd, the same herd I mentioned in the passing word

The world is not what they think, the world is not what I think

The world is not this, the world is not that and I get lost in this immaterial combat

To make my place, to run my race, to walk to walk at my pace, to just look at a human FACE

But I fear I won’t a get a chance as the nerds are busy typing out the code, to make sure that your YouTube video uploads

And other’s are busy checking out that video you upload, I sit right next to you to grab your attention feeling chilled and cold

I am the wallflower who loves being a wallflower, but surprisingly you make it so easier to be a wall but not a flower

For humanity is a Bryophyllum needing air, water, soil and most importantly a LEAF to see the light of the world

There ain’t any leaves

Maybe there can be one if your cell drains out, it might pump you up!

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